As a child I grew up watching The Jetsons, The Flintstones, and many other cartoons (along with lots of other things). Somewhere in the midst of that time of youth, realities of life never seemed to affect me outside of my circle. All I knew is that I wanted to be smart and strong like my dad and that some day maybe I would be a dad also. How would it happen? I didn’t know. I didn’t care or plan for it. Life was just a day by day unfolding into another tomorrow. And that is how I lived my life: waking up to experience whatever happened as it happened to start a new day with new and more experiences.
In the midst of that, there were standards or foundations that would always be there along with lessons learned each day. I always knew that my parents loved me and did their best (even if I didn’t offer thank yous as often as I should have) despite not having many of the things my peers had (and thinking or wishing I did have them). But the one thing I knew: they would always be there.
To add to them, specific loved ones would be there. It was as if seeing them always resulted with time and life stood still. Did I age? Yes. Did others age, get married, and life also unfolded? Yes. But I always took comfort that despite age, marriage, kids, etc. that life would remain, to a degree, unchanged.
But one of the lessons that I learned (even, at times, the hard way) is that life never stays the same. All things grow and progress or they die (and despite best efforts, loved ones do die). And in the midst of the fractal creation of my life, Jesus reached into my young life at age 18 to save me. What could have happened didn’t take a different turn in my fractal; it was as if a new one began. And to Him always be the honor and the glory and thanks. But with Jesus in my life and my life folding into His through surrendering more and more into His life/plan/purpose/whatever, things for a long while remained unchanged.
Yes, years later God blessed me with a wife and daughter in one shot. Less than a year later a son. And then a few years later a daughter. And certainly God has blessed me in more ways than I can count for Him affording me the privilege to teach and preach His (again, all the glory to Jesus) along with many friends, work opportunities, etc.
And then 2006 happened. And then 2009 (and the following years regarding that). And so when I had said goodbye to the farm in Missouri Christmas 2008 amidst the pneumonia I battled all the way home and for weeks after, I had hoped that perhaps my uncle Gary would regain mobility, even if limited, and life as I knew in Missouri would remain unchanged. To arrive there at that farm as a youth and even as an adult was as if one stepped into a time/event machine to step away from their life and for a moment of time be transported to another time/place where the old ways remained intact (until my grandma was painfully taken away from her home October 2020 to the nursing home, she still had a rotary telephone (one of many examples of life unchanged) by her chair for just in case if the push button phones would stop working).
And over those years since 2009 a number of family members passed away and events changed—some for good and some not for good—but despite that, I knew that my reference point would remain. That to arrive there at the farm in Missouri would whisk away worry, stress, frustration, confusion, chaos to change perspective that is clear and calibrated properly. So when March 2019 happened, outside of the rapture (which I did pray for the rapture to not happen until I was able to get back to that farm), nothing was going to stop me from going to Missouri. What was a dream or even a foggy idea for God’s desire began to become clear (and now laser-precision clear). It was as if all the negative experiences and memories were easily dismissed and shoved aside with a future of hope, plan, purpose, and a clear Calling. And despite one door closing (concerning China at that time), a fire burned (and has remained hot) to see not just a church planted in St. Joseph, Missouri and not even disciples attending church and serving in ministry, I’ve got a list of cities to plant couples and families in to turn Missouri and Iowa upside down for Jesus and to see those churches thrive and send out workers to keep filling needs in other cities and nations. And to God be the glory. Just as Jesus’ gaze was set like flint for Jerusalem, a flint-locked gaze is set in mine.
And so a series of events occurred from March 2019. I saw the decay of the farm. It was as if while there I memorized every tree, leaf, blade of grass, low spots, ponds, etc., I saw afresh what happens when things are not taken care of. Like Proverbs 24:31 (but not due to laziness), I saw what was strong broken down. I saw what was beauty turning into ugly. I saw productive turn into despair. Hope was dwindling. But maybe perhaps the lives of the loved ones would remain even with the passing of the farm? And before I knew it, family member after family member passed away with my grandpa being the final one almost a year ago. I still clearly remember where I was, what I was doing, what I was thinking and planning, when I got the news of each one passing with my grandparents being the hardest news to take. Even though the purpose for most of those trips north were due to funerals, there still was His voice that gripped my heart for His vision and His plan for Missouri. Where some may see it being a moot point—at one time I had thought about how wonderful it would have been to have had my grandparents at my first church to hear and see their grandson preach—with them passing away and no longer a reason (allegedly) for Missouri being on my radar, the resolve however forged stronger.
The farm—divided into two farms with two owners (one owner being my parents)—has turned a page. True, the wood stove in the basement (which the stove doesn’t exist any more) won’t provide its warmth and fragrance (the wood burning in that stove is a smell I will never forget) comfort for those tired and wet sledders going down the hill north of the house. True, there won’t be a fresh-cut cedar tree from a choice of dozens on the farm placed in the corner of the living room with lights and ornaments nearly as old as I was. True, there won’t be a number of Christmas travelers arriving at my grandparents’ house like it used to be. And true, that living room and dining/kitchen areas won’t be a hum of elevated-volume conversation of adults with “the cousins” busy at play inside and outside, with the eventual dinner meal and presents to finally be opened after the dishes washed.
But the real matter isn’t what was, but what is and what will be: trust (in God). 2024 (hopefully) won’t continue what were the last number of years with the most recent being the hardest. Like the farm turned a page, perhaps I, too, need to turn a page…even if I have to ask God’s mighty hand to be the one to do it for me. But that will be alright. Because as a wise man once said, there is never no better place to be than in the middle of God’s will except in His presence. Lord until I am in Your presence, I pray that I step, fall, walk, run, bury, whatever You desire that I be in Your will. May my prayer be like Your Son’s in the Olive Press (Garden of Gethsemane), Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done…with Your help and above all else to Your glory.