God, I really need to hear from You. I don’t care by You stepping down from Heaven to personally meet with me, a Word from a man of God, or a Word from Your Word, I don’t care how it comes…but I really need a real and personal presence of You…like I felt while in Australia in that motel room or like when I heard Your voice that Sunday morning many years ago when You said, “I make all things new”, or even the time when I was completely discouraged concerning Calling (as some people call the Crisis of Calling) and You revisited me to affirm that I truly was Called.
God, at times I question how saved am I. I don’t care—and You truly know my heart, I don’t care about the pats on the back and all that—that I get any glory or praise (John 3:14). But God, it sure would be nice to know that I haven’t fallen away like Samson or You absent like in Esther (only just working in the backgrounds). It’s not that I don’t know if I’m saved or that I’ve backslidden per say…But, God, I refuse to just exist and assume that You’re in my life somewhere. God help me if I ever became a nominal Christian that I just exist and just attending and just involving myself is enough.
But God, at times—and again, I don’t try in any way or shape to puff myself up to be like this (or anyone else I may mention in this)—I feel like Joseph while going through slavery and imprisonment to wander and wonder if and when will there be a change. But God, I know I’ve heard You concerning my Calling. And one would have to either be blind, jealous/envious, or whatever (it’s past midnight, God, so writing flowery or intelligently may not happen, so forgive me) to not see obvious anointing. But God I sit in conversation and feel so marginalized. Either I have no real stories to share because I’ve not been out on the field as a pastor/missionary to have any stories to share OR I keep hitting a brick wall while others keep going forward unimpeded except by their own vices. God, like I said, I know You’ve Called me…but God, why is it that I keep hitting the wall and never advancing? Others barely saved for much time are in more and do more and get sent out even if they fall on their face because they don’t know and despite decades of my preparation, reading, prayer, etc…I just keep hitting the wall—the wall of “this is the best I’m ever going to experience”. I don’t have my youth that I can give to You anymore. Those decades ago of opportunity and availability are long-since passed and regrettably I have to accept that. My body isn’t young, and I feel it most days. Where I used to run up flights of stairs and outreach (at least pass out stacks of flyers) without ever tiring, I feel my age now. I feel the heat more. I feel my weight slowing me down, too (I, at times, wish I were as thin as I was back when I was early saved so that perhaps I may have that youthful speed again, at least not having to hulk this mass as much). But “youth for Christ” has long since passed. And despite the positive thoughts that I could be like Caleb “I am as strong now as I was back then” to ask for my mountain. God, will my mountain—to minister your word in Missouri (or anywhere)—be granted?
I mean, God, I don’t need a conference message. I’ve heard more than enough and despite faith stirred, being stuck isn’t fun when I want to be at X and I know you’ve impregnated me with X, Y, and Z, but I’m stuck at B and can never shift to that gear of C, let alone ever get to X. I don’t need a revival, some of the people I’ve heard are either in Glory or sadly have chosen a path away from You. And what would it matter? Others can advance. Others get the nod. Others get the tap on the shoulder. Others get “the Word”. And what do I get? What and where I’ve been for the past four plus years (if we don’t count the 20+ years prior) that all I get is a minimized and marginalized voice.
God, I am not a rebel and I don’t care about the preaching. It is an honor and a privilege and I LOVE to teach and preach Your Word. But I don’t desire—in pride—to be behind a pulpit to move audiences or whatever. I just want to preach Your word, yes, but I’d really love to work and disciple men who can fulfill their Calling/calling so they can experience all that God has for their lives, which I know that discipleship is far more involved than 3 sermons a week. And I love—like Eric Liddell when he ran and felt Your presence—when I feel You in that sermon I preached or a lesson I teach, even the impromptu that You’ve provided from time to time, God I love that (You’re soooo awesome and cool, God). I LOVE writing Your Word and I feel so horrible when I have to “balance” the time when I’d rather write and share You all the time and any time more freely. But God, why am I and what seems to be: STUCK?
It is one thing if I were just simply Called to be a pillar and that all there was and just being a Bible study leader for the rest of my life would be more than sufficient. It is one thing if I were to be the BBQ man or the musician/singer then I have an expression that is there, noticed, and enjoyed. But God I cannot sing (well) and I haven’t touched an instrument in years. I don’t minimize those who will always be a pillar or look down upon them. God, I wish we had more pillars like some people I know and like those pointed out in the Word. But God, I know You’ve Called me to more than that and the anointing is obvious. And yet I keep hitting that wall that almost negates anything and everything that I say or could say/do.
And, to be honest, I sometimes wonder why even the measure of grace for more is even stopped or blocked when I am unable to advance. My pastor—and others—have talked about more grace or anointing will be added when and where needed when we step out or step into a larger or deeper or further arena. And I desire to take up that cup.
But either I feel stuck…Or I feel the flesh surrendering to just say “what’s the point to contend” and settle back into a position of just cruising or never gaining ground. I know there should be a genuine desire for all Christians to grow or advance. But God, others have lateral room. All I keep doing is hitting a wall. Others get to have experiences. And all I get or have are memories of the past and dreams of the future. A future at times that I question if that is all it will ever be: a dream. Will there ever be a time when all my efforts to challenge people to involve God for their relationships, Calling, destiny (Called or just called), etc. be challenged “why are you, Robert, challenging us when you’re not doing anything or only going so far and never further?” Will that void Your Word? Will that make what I say to be even less of value than it already is? Will I be a hypocrite? Just another bridesmaid but never the bride? Will I be the one who has “advice” like a single person with no kids to offer to the married person who has kids as if I know what I am talking about concerning whatever spiritual matters? Will any time I offer a Word or direction be sidestepped by “you’re not allowed to talk to this person” because I’m not a pastor or whatever the reason is? In other words “Robert doesn’t know what he’s talking about, so anything he tells you is in one ear and out the other”?
Can I ever be the one who truly made a difference? And I am not talking about “he was a nice guy”, nice guys are a dime a dozen. Will there be a testimony that outlasts me? I hear testimonies of other men of God whose testimonies survived themselves after their gone. And what do I have? That he made effort to try to make his wife’s morning special by adding some stuff to her coffee? Oh, he wrote a book? La-de-dah. It would mean more if he were a pastor to prove that what is written truly will work. He can preach and teach like a seasoned man of God? Whoop-de-doo. It will never be heard or allowed to be heard beyond the confines of his home or the four walls of his church. He can lead very well? Great, but other people are used instead while I am “thanks brother Robert for being that armor bearer, but go back to the closet so no one knows anything about you and talks about you to make anyone ask questions why isn’t he out there on the field”. Sermon after sermon, conference after conference pastors are begging for couples to grow up or respond or whatever. And all I am doing is over-ripening on the vine, more than capable and able and certainly more than ready to lead a successful ministry…but alas never to see it happen because of that wall. Youth is gone and whatever I could ever become, time is running out. And all I will have for it is that everyone else got their shot including my son and perhaps my daughter and all I get will be “thanks Robert for just being that brother and if you can ever get that matter fixed you can be out there, too” with no sincerity for that to be fulfilled because I’m too valuable to stay than to ever be sent.
Jesus, please, please, please help me to not become bitter (and I know I can). Please don’t ever allow that fire to want to be Your man on the ground diminish. But God, I need that mountain moved and cast into the sea…and not when I’m laying on my deathbed too old to be useful for anything.