What do I say? What can I say? I remember over eleven and a half years ago standing without any excuse and any helpful testimony didn’t matter any longer. As words were passed down, I could only stand there…taking in a moment that I NEVER could have ever fathomed upon anyone else and would had never dreamed it would happen to me. Nothing anyone else could say or do would help any more. I could do nothing. Ministry, gone. Family, almost gone. Occupation, almost gone. I existed for 10 years but never really lived. Youthful zeal for God’s kingdom and potential for what God could and would do, lost forever.
Almost three weeks ago I got back into my truck with my wife who had already been seated to know of the very sad news of my dearest uncle passing. As the days went on into the day of the funeral I found myself completely at a loss for words. It wasn’t because I was incapable of speech as if a case of laryngitis hit me. And I wasn’t the spouse of this man…who lovingly saw her husband suffer, decay, and debilitate for four years. When I went to the casket, I saw someone who was not my uncle. It just couldn’t be. And I could do or say nothing to anyone except weep, hold my weeping daughter tightly, and mutter that I loved her. With tears still in my eyes, to look into his widows eyes and could say nothing more than “I love you and we are here for you”. Words of comfort—from family, friends, or the pastor—only blunted the stinging reminder that a man who loved God and loved his wife and children and loved children (at his church) was gone. Gone at the age of 56. Anything that he desired to do—trip to Alaska, further children’s ministries, seeing his youngest son graduate from college, seeing another grandchild born, and more…All over because of a rare cancer that has a 100% fatal rate. Of all people, why him?
And I am not alone or unique. Many of us have our stories. We have our scars. Some scars we never have revealed to anyone else. Tonight I was reminded (thanks to Pastor Artie Aragon) of some words uttered by Job that characterize what people truly feel in their innermost being when hit with news and nothing that anyone else could say or do will fix anything. Life falls into a whirlpool with hurricane force and all we can do is look up (and stop adjusting your crooked halo over your horns, you are not that saved to avoid distress and heartache). “’I can’t stand my life—I hate it! I’m putting it all out on the table, all the bitterness of my life—I’m holding back nothing.’ Job prayed: ‘He’s what I want to say: Don’t, God, bring in a verdict of guilty without letting me know the charges you’re bringing,’” Job 10:1-2. That was probably the most honest prayer Job ever prayed his entire life. We can even feel the spit on our faces as he open-mouthed poured out a heart-filled prayer. And if we are (or will be) honest either we have gone through that kind of anguish. And if not now, you will in the future. So I will admit by testifying that I, too, prayed something similar to God. The Bible could sit on the table before us and mutter, not today God. We could arrive at church, avoid people as much as possible, and sit in a seat cold and numb to everything and decide in our hearts, not today pastor/God. We could see other couples, even in old age, holding hands with decades of love expressed and we bitterly inside say (because we lost a loved one), not today. We could see youth aspiring for the things of God and little effort and challenge and people are jumping into destiny, while we continue to sit in a seat with clenched fist and say, not today.
Deuteronomy 28:23 declare, “And your heavens which are over your head shall be bronze, and the earth which is under you shall be iron.” Our cries leave our mouths heavenward and we believe that they never arrive…they just bounce off the bronze heavens to the cold, hard, calloused earth. No matter how our religious understanding wants to spin it, nothing seems to succeed. No matter what our human efforts could conjure up, it won’t succeed.
What do we do? What do we say? I leave us with these final two independent passage of verses for our only answer/hope. Job 10:4-5 with Job speaking words to God, Message Translation, “You don’t look at things the way we mortals do. You’re not taken in by appearances, are you? Unlike us, you’re not working against a deadline. You have all eternity to work things out.” Psalm 100:3, Amplified version, “Know (perceive, recognize, and understand with approval) that the Lord is God! It is He Who has made us, not we ourselves [and we are His]! We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.”