(This is going to be very transparent but the Lord led me to compose this as I feel it is something that is often neglected not just in marriage but in every relationship. This will be written in the context of marriage, but it can easily apply in business, church, and elsewhere. If you are married, the gloves will come off in this.)
Relationships is one of the hardest to keep alive and healthy. Whether in business, friendships, in church, family, or marriage, the partnership between two people is often rife with issues, situations, joys, sorrows, peace, and pain. My paternal grandfather once quipped that “a partnership is the worst ship that has ever sailed” and so right he was in many ways. And nothing is truer than in marriage.
When I was just a few months married one of the best advice I was ever given has been forever the hardest to live by continually, even today. To put it mildly I was frustrated toward the “wife of my youth” over a whole lot of matters. Who has never been a little miffed, perturbed, frustrated, or ticked at their spouse? But to put it simply, it was the lack of respect (or value of appreciation). I won’t go into the number of reasons why—to bring back those affronts would be a whole other message to write concerning bitterness and forgiveness, but anyone who has been in a steady relationship especially marriage know in what areas I am referring to. And Christian or not, it hurt and—to be completely honest—the flesh wanted a field day to attack back. I will go a step further to say that—unfortunately for me back then—“turn the other cheek” and “go with her two miles” was about to be tossed out of the window with lightning speed.
Although the advice was a very short snippet from these verses, I will provide the full context to help. “Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. For ‘He who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers; but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil’” (1 Peter 3:8-12).
Whether we choose to use “an eye for an eye” or simply tell it like it is, the flesh hates being attacked especially when we feel like we were the one wronged. The Bible is certainly true when it says that we “love our flesh and cherish it” because anyone who comes against our happiness or our normalcy/comfort—even if a spouse—sirens go off, shields go up, and words/actions begin to fly. Whether through the silent treatment, slamming doors, stomping off, driving like a madman, or attacking other people because we are in a mood, we want the offender (and others) know we have been wronged. And one of the first things we desire to do is to either get even or hurt the other person back equally. Although there are a number of ways this can happen, an easy example is when one spouse spends the finances on things deemed unnecessary or lavish, the offended spouse will in turn spend finances on themselves or even more extravagant due only to the hurt felt. Another way is when words are spoken to their spouse. The offended spouse decides to let other people know how horrible this offending spouse is so that those people will not like him/her or be friends (or as friendly) to that person. Again, the list can go on. The point is simply we want to repay evil for evil; and we simply cannot do that and we will explore why later. Within that same verse we are told to bless. To bless is to esteem another person better or first. In the context of this writing, it means to not attack, to not fight back, to not blow up everything and everyone…no matter how hurt we may feel. Jesus, of course, dealt with this in His Sermon on the Mount (and so if you have not read it in a while, I encourage you to visit Matthew 5:7, 9, and 38-48).
“…let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.” As we continue to the next matter—similar to the above—is to not speak evil. Evil speaking is more than choosing to use profane language, speaking hate, bitter words, or racial slurs. When we are hurt, we want others to know we are hurt. An example is letting everyone in our circle know that our spouse is lazy, a jerk, inconsiderate, etc. Speaking evil—and I wrote about this before, just type the word Evil in the search above—is like adding fuel to a fire already burning. Or another way to view this is speaking evil is to poison the relationship with harsh names, condemning any actions, and destroying any blessing the other person desires to give or give back. For example, one spouse is ticked. The other spouse picks up on this and decides to bless. This blessor has a habit of blessing people beyond just the spouse. Or at the very least he/she will grant the hurt spouse some time/space to cool down. Instead of responding properly, the ticked spouse attacks back by condemning any actions by the giving spouse and ruins any blessing toward others and then toward themselves. In the future the giving spouse will feel less likely to give out of love when all they get is attack, complaints, or evil speaking. Another example is one spouse is ticked. The other spouse is working hard—cleaning, running errands, or working a job—but instead of making the home or a later meet-up pleasant, a timebomb is awaiting that spouse when they get home because a steady flow of conversation wasn’t there or done in a way that meets the upset spouse’s expectations. I know of a friendship between two people. Although one may had a desire for something more than just a friendship with the other person originally; nonetheless, the other person harshly treated the kinder person. The kinder person received accusation; gifts thrown back in his face; and she hardly ever (if ever) said a positive, loving, affirming word. All the while the nicer person would give, love, affirm, help, encourage, etc. but also hesitated in wanting to continue to give. It was not until years later when the nice person finally was treated considerately because finally the true motives—Christian love—was understood and the mean person knew they were in the wrong and apologized.
The remedy to all this is to first be of one mind. This means to be united or one flesh—whether in marriage, business, etc.—and by hurting the other person we are actually also hurting ourselves.
Secondly, we need to extend compassion even when all we want to do is the aforementioned. It is amazing when we step back from the offense and look at things from another perspective, sometimes what is viewed as a wrong motive is actually a nice gesture even if the other person was ignored or left out from knowing.
Third we need to love as brothers. This would be a whole other writing but it means to be giving, caring, loving, serving, and close.
Fourth is to be tenderhearted or soft-hearted. In other words to put others before ourselves, even if we are at the loss. It means to go again with our heart of love and generosity even if we will get hurt (again) in the process. Jesus and Paul lived this very much so. We may cry, “but this person hurt me greatly.” Yet I cannot help but to think of the countless martyrs for Jesus who, in their dying breaths, asked God to not judge these people. Further, our offenses put Jesus on the cross (originally). When we fail to be tenderhearted and forgivng, then we are putting Jesus back on that cross.
Fifth and finally we are to be courteous. Just like in not speaking evil, we need to bless and praise and encourage with our words. Attacking a person and speaking judgments against someone when we at the least do not have all of the facts or at the most are being a hypocrite or a Pharisee ourselves not only makes us look foolish but we also attack another person. And if that person is a Christian or a weak one, we may cause that person to stumble in their walk with the Lord. If that person is not a Christian, now we have made that person to say in their heart, “if that is a Christian response/behavior, then I’m glad I am not a Christian”. Jesus rebuked many a person who offended and said it would be better if a millstone were hung around their neck and they would be drowned. That is pretty severe but it is true.
And so we come to the whole reason why and it is found in verse twelve, “For the eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers; but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil.” First, God sees everything. Often said toward someone when someone is doing wrong, but we fail to remember that God is also watching us. If we are doing right, God will bless and honor the prayers. But when we are not, God will frustrate efforts and bring judgment upon the person. And before we think of ourselves as the “righteous” versus those “who do evil”, we ought to be careful to note: WE ARE NOT GOD. We desire to step in to bring judgment, consequences, sabotage, ruination, etc. to whatever and whomever when all the while God is watching us with pain and regret that the persons are doing wrong to each other and no one is in the right. In short, we need to keep our hands off and let God be God (see Matthew 7:1-5). Think of it in another way. Which would we rather live through: God answering our prayers and fighting for us when we do what we ought to do? Or God leaving us alone in our mess or worse sending judgment to us because we decided to take matters into our own hands?
So let us think to our day/week/month. Did we repay evil toward someone? Did we speak evil? Did we hurt someone’s walk with/toward God? Are we extending compassion, going the second mile, and blessing (even at a cost/loss to us)? Let us carefully “consider one another in order to stir up love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24).