I wish to first say “Thank You” to Jesus for all the wonderful things He has poured not just into me but through me. I feel completely unworthy and humbled. I, very much, pray that I allow my heart to continue to be the vessel He can continue to pour into. Lord knows how many outlines of messages I have prepped that require just a few hours (yes, each writing surprisingly takes time and some take considerable time when research and deeper prayer are involved). I am certainly not complaining, I am just floored that Jesus desires to use my life.
Which leads me into something that I was reading. And while reading I have also been at times reading in between the lines. I am nearing the end of my book about George Müller and my only disappointment is that the book was not longer and more in depth…I have been truly honored to have read about his life.
The page of the book I have literally just finished reading is a diary…I mean journal entry (men keep journals, women keep diaries; sorry, a little joke) with George Müller praising God for finances coming in and he continuing to pray for God to continue to bring in provision. But there was one sentence that stopped me to remind me of something and I had to begin writing (as I felt a need for this writing to be an open letter/prayer to God and serve as accountability to those who will read this). “I have been very busy during the last two weeks making the necessary arrangements for furnishing [the new Orphan House].”
Nothing wrong with that, even I get busy. Sometimes I am so busy that there are gaps in between writings. And sometimes so busy being selfish or sinful that I turn the spigot off. But tonight when I read that sentence, it reminded me of me. I preface to share the following statement as just an honest testimony and not a bragimony of "look at me". Over 13 years ago I was preaching all over the place: altar calls for concerts and haunted houses, led outreaches, conducted numerous healing crusades, preached in churches, led Bible studies, etc. And because I stayed dutifully at the diligence of ministry, the Lord provided a measure of graceful anointing on my life. See my walk with God was very broad. I was easily known in many churches. But, regrettably, my walk with God was very shallow. And to make it worse, I took that anointing and relationship with God for granted and never truly made effort to go deeper. To be completely honest—regardless of where any blame laid, it nonetheless existed—I was so busy being in ministry that I never took the time to truly to be ministered to.
After Jesus was tempted by Satan, Matthew and Mark both record that angels came to minister to Jesus. In short, Jesus got alone with God and nothing and no one else mattered but to get close with God. Jesus, by example, showed us how our lives ought to be a constant and continual devotion in prayer; so much so that Jesus even said that “I and the Father are one” (John 10:30).
But for me, I was busy then. That all changed in stages beginning May or June of 2006 when I was no longer serving in public ministries and eventually as the years went I was no longer allowed to be in church (eventually I was allowed back and slowly ministry has been introduced back into my life, that's not the point). I say that transparency to say what I am really getting to the point of saying: all I had was Jesus during those years of nothing. And I remember clearly Jesus telling me February 2009, “Behold, I make all things new” and me replying at a later date, “I may not be able to preach, lead, or do anything…but the one thing I can do is pray (and of course read my Bible)”. It's all I had and I was content with that. As a result of those very basic decisions, a much deeper walk with God, so much so I got in the trenches of Christianity and the Bible. It has been a lot of fun and I love His Word.
So let get back to why I have prepared the whole 10-course meal of everything I have said so I can get right to the heart of the whole thing. George Müller said he was very busy and those words honestly frightened me. Again, there have been times I have been busy. Over the years, as evident in previous writings on here, I asked God to forgive me for being too busy. But more ministry has been applied unto my life (all praise and thanks unto Jesus; I’m just humbled that He can find any use for me) and I am finding myself getting more and more busy. And that scares me: will I get too busy—like I had been well over a decade ago—and my heart won’t be open and available for God to speak into my heart? Oh, I may hear from God as per an anointed sermon to prepare and deliver or whatever. But will I be too busy to tell Jesus “thank You” for a beautiful sunset? Will I be too busy (or perhaps take for granted) to thank God out of a genuine heart for the food before me (I truly know what it was like to open doors and find nothing for days)? Will I be so wrapped up in work, ministry, family, or personal whatever that putting His words to paper won’t matter as much? (I will be honest, there have been times that I question “why bother, no one really cares” concerning these writings. But I know that is Satan lying to me. One, I know there are a few who are reading and lives are truly touched, all praise to Jesus. But, second and most importantly, Jesus never asked me to get glory in this, just obey and keep an open heart for Him to speak (freely you have received freely give, see Matthew 10:8; and you have been faithful over a few (see Matthew 25:23 and Luke 16:10)…and if you have not been faithful in what is another man’s who will give you the true riches (see Luke 16:11-12).
Jesus, and I feel and can hear a war in the Heavenlies to combat this writing including the sound of demons shrieking, I, first, pray for Your covering over my family and me. Second, and what I want to ask You is to forgive me for the times I have and (sadly, in the future) may not make the time as I ought to in putting your words to paper and then quickly sharing as I wish I could. Please help me not just balance the time but to cut off whoever or whatever that is stealing the time and peace of mind so I can be able to be open to Your voice. Above all the voices I have heard and do hear, I love, miss, and long for Your voice above all others. I pray that my heart stays wide open. Please—again, I don’t know why me—use my life as that pitcher to pour in Your word so I can quickly pour out. Amen.
PS. Thank God for godly friends who are there to help in capturing something. I am not wanting to say I don’t want to do Ministry or am afraid to go further in ministry responsibilities. I think if I were doing it full time I will thrive and love seeing the hand of God a lot more. So please understand what was said with a balance of I don’t want to lose that personal connection and level of intimacy with God because I am too busy with work, family, ministry, or personal pleasures...or worse that I increased and God decreased. Hmmmm...Sounds like a new message idea.